Failures in motherhood

Warning: long whiny post with little-to-no pictures. In all truthfulness there are so many other thoughts and emotions I want to add to this, but no need to make this a full on therapy session...

It took a day like today to make me realize that I really can't do it all. I don't know why I even attempted to take everyone out considering the past three nights have been full of Sammy tantrums that start around 11pm and last until 1 or 2 am, and Hannah waking up at least three times each night. (Notice there is no mention of Helene waking up? She is such a dream baby!) Plus, I hate to keep complaining about this but since this entire post is full of my whining: I STILL have a headache. Yep, over three weeks...same headache. (The meds the doctor gave me do nothing.) Its the most severe at night and first thing in the morning, but all day, every day, it's there in the exact same spot, mocking me. But I digress.

Every year our church has a fair with bounce houses, a train ride, pony rides, giant inflatable slides, dunk tank and a petting zoo, plus food and other treats...and it's all free. We always have a really fun time, so even though Sammy wouldn't be able do much, I wanted to give Hannah a chance to play since we've been home so much lately, and I wanted to hang out and chat with friends.

Samuel had to work, but was planning to leave around noon. I got there right at noon when it started so I could be sure to get some close parking and let Hannah jump in the bounce house before it got too crowded with big kids.

My plan was to have Sammy in the wheelchair, Helene in the Moby Wrap and Hannah walking with us. It started out okay, although I seriously have got to figure out how to raise the handles on the wheelchair because I have to bend way over to push which is not easy with Helene in the front of me. (Thanks to April for helping me with the wheelchair when we first arrived!)

Anyway, we got there and I could tell right away that Sammy was totally bummed. He told me over and over that he wanted to go down the big slide. I know, I am a mean mom even taking him there when he couldn't do much of anything, but I really thought he would be okay with riding the train and seeing the petting zoo and maybe a pony ride--not to mention all the churros he could eat.

Hannah immediately ran off to the bounce house, which was fine with me since I was trying to cheer up Sammy. He wanted nothing to do with the train or pony rides, but did show some interest in the petting zoo. Hannah came running back saying she needed me to go with her to jump, so I told her we would visit the petting zoo first and off we went.

It was quite a site, me pushing the wheelchair (not easy on the grass by the way) with Helene and Hannah in tow. I got a brief moment of smiles from both kids while feeding the goats and sheep and little pig, and Sammy got to touch one of the chickens too.

He was content to hang out there, so I quickly took Hannah over to the pony rides while there wasn't a line. She was so excited...until she actually got on the pony and then cried and screamed the entire way around.

Excited at first

Not too sure...

Full on screaming and crying.
I love how that lady isn't even fazed by it.

I decided to head over to the churros as a much needed distraction, so off we went back across the grass to the food area. Again, not an easy feat, I kept wondering what I was doing there and why I was trying to make everyone have a good time.

Unfortunately, no churros this time, just snow cones and popcorn. Apparently, my kids only like kettle korn and microwave popcorn and wouldn't touch the kind that was being served. And while the kids thought the snow cones were fun, they each took a bite or two and then I got stuck holding them. I should have just thrown them out then, but I didn't want to do that in front of the people who had literally just given them to us, so I carried Sammy's (he said it was too cold to carry) and Hannah carried hers. They wanted to go back to the petting zoo again.

So now I am pushing the wheelchair plus a cherry snow cone and Helene back over the grass avoiding pony poop as we go--I seriously needed two more hands. Hannah wanted to try the bounce house again and Sammy agreed to go with us and watch her jump. She lasted about 2 minutes and then wanted out. So out she came, but instead of putting on her shoes like I asked, she started in on her new thing since Helene arrived: "I can't." She refuses to put on her shoes when I ask...she'll sit down and tell me "I can't" and needs help. Nevermind the fact that she's been doing it by herself for over a year now. sigh.

So I squat down to help her...keep in mind that I am now holding TWO snowcones and have Helene strapped to the front of me. We got Hannah's shoes on and just as I am trying to balance myself to stand back up...I dump the ENTIRE cherry snowcone on Helene. Here is my proof of what a mellow child she is: she didn't scream or cry, she just opened her eyes really wide while I quickly pulled her out of the wrap and try to towel her off with it.

That was literally the last straw for me. I was done. I had tried so hard to make sure Hannah wasn't left out of the fun and that Sammy could still have fun despite his circumstances--and I had failed miserably, with poor Helene cold, wet and sticky in the process.

Now I was trying to push Sammy in the wheelchair across the grass with Helene now in my arms and Hannah beside me. I just wanted to get out of there so I could have my breakdown in car and not right there on the grass. I was so done. Of course, just as I got to the van, I see Sam driving up. I wasn't mad at him--it's not his fault he had to work. I was just mad at myself for thinking I could do this for even an hour all by myself.

Sam helped me get the kids in the car (Hannah was crying and screaming the entire time) and after lots of threats to sit down and get buckled, I finally headed home. I gave poor Helene a bath and soaked her brand new shirt in some Biz. The kids were still hyped up and yelling about who-knows-what and I just had to get out of there. I went to Corner Bakery and got a sandwich, but knew I had to bring it back home because Sam needed a nap after our sleepless night with the kids since he is working the night shift tonight.

After the exhausting two weeks we've had, today was literally my breaking point. If I could have just dumped everyone and everything and ran away to Burke Williams, I would have. I just wanted to escape. But I guess that's the thing about being a mom, you've got to be the strong one and suck it up and carry on because that's just what we do.

just for fun...

My amazingly talented friend Dana is doing a giveaway on her MADE blog. Check it out! Totally adorable stuff--you know you want to win! I do...

And if you don't happen to win--check out her joon bug baby site for other darling items!

Cute cute stuff as always!!

End of a long week

I won't lie. I am so glad this week is over. It's been a long road, but looks like we are finally on the upswing of things.

I've had a few people ask me what exactly the surgery entailed, so I'll give it to you in layman terms: they cut off his feet, moved them outwards 20 degrees and then set the bones with pins and wrapped it all in a cast. Obviously, the cutting off of the feet wasn't through both sides of the skin, they cut through one side of skin and stopped when they were entirely through the bone and then moved everything. So, some of the skin on the side that wasn't cut through will be twisted, but I was told it wouldn't be that noticeable. I will have to ask and see if it evens out over time. So, yeah, really painful. I would need the morphine for longer than 3 days--that's for sure!

Sammy had a total and complete breakdown on Thursday night, more emotional than anything. I felt so bad for him, he was so upset about everything and was kicking, screaming, throwing things and just so frustrated and really had no idea how else to express his feelings. I tried to sit on the couch and hold him, but he wanted nothing to do with me. I gave him time to let it all out and after close to an hour, I was considering calling his surgeon and asking for some valium when he finally calmed down. I put him to bed and he fell right asleep. Poor little guy. He slept until close to 10am (went to bed at midnight), so that's the best night's sleep he's had so far.

Since then, there haven't been anymore outbursts and he's been sleeping quite well. We've been pretty much hibernating indoors, except for Thursday when I took Hannah and Helene over to Dana's to play--and for me to get away for a bit too.

Samuel went back to work Friday night and has been working double shifts since. I've been too intimidated to attempt going anywhere with all the kids, but finally gave in to cabin fever today and we went to the Arboretum to hang out for a bit in the afternoon. We skipped church since Samuel had to work and I was not going to try the wheelchair, Helene in the carseat, and Hannah all by myself at church.

The Arboretum was the perfect Sunday outing. Beautiful weather and everything was in bloom. I was thrilled that my favorite tree was blooming too. So pretty and smells absolutely divine.

I'm sure we were quite the spectacle with me pushing the wheelchair, trying to hold Hannah's hand (I was actually content to let her run ahead, but she wanted to hold hands), and carrying Helene in the Moby Wrap. We stayed about an hour and then it was time to head back and make dinner. I think next time I'll try the double stroller, I just wanted to keep his legs elevated for now and can't really do that with the stroller.

Hannah wanted to try pushing the wheelchair
and actually did a great job!

Trying not to smile...

Pushing really fast!

Everyone has been so great with bringing by meals, gifts, and mailing cards and CARE packages for Sammy. It really has been so sweet and so incredibly thoughtful. THANK YOU to all!!

Cupcakes my neighbor brought by...soooo yummy.

Yay for new toys
and much needed entertainment!

CARE package from my cousin Laurie and her family in WA

She even included a little something for Hannah too!

Sammy's class at school made him lots of "get well" cards
He LOVED them!

There has been much more than this, but I didn't think to take pictures of everything. Thanks again to all for the overwhelming love and support we have gotten from all of you!! Whether you are near or far--we feel the love and are so blessed to have such amazing friends and family!

Home Sweet Home

We're home. YAY! So tired and ready to go to bed. And so excited to sleep in my OWN bed.

Sammy was excited about his wheelchair for about 15 seconds...and then after sitting in it he realized that it was the only way he could get around and became totally frustrated. He told me he wanted to get out and I told him his options were the couch, chair, or bed. He was pretty sad. It's going to be a long 10 weeks. That's for sure.

Hannah is so happy to have us home. She has really missed me since we are pretty much together 24/7...and she has seen me about 4 hours of the last 48. Poor thing. She was so sad last night when I left to go back to the hospital. We are going to hang out tomorrow for sure--I missed my girl!

Helene is just happy to have her milk supply back and to not have to use a bottle. She is such a sweet and snugly baby--I missed her!!

Let's hope we can get through the night without too much pain and drama.

Update

I finally got home at 11:30am and have a few moments to eat, shower, feed the baby and pump--then it's back to the hospital.

After our frustrating and exhausting day yesterday, that included lots of drama with our nurse that I won't take the time to complain about now, we finally had a good night last night.

Sammy went to sleep about midnight after his dose of morphine and slept until about 2:30 and got another does then. He was able to sleep until 7am without waking up or needing more meds. Unfortunately, after going that long without anything he was pretty miserable. We gave him the morphine and Toradol (that's the other pain med that I didn't know the name of). That worked for a bit, but about an hour later he needed more pain meds. I told him that he needed to start taking the Tylenol w/codeine to help with the pain and that we wouldn't be able to go home until he started taking medicine by mouth. After much discussion, I was able to get him to take the dosage. YAY! I am hoping I can keep him taking it, so we can go home today.

I am leaving in a few minutes to head back over to the hospital and see how he is doing. They said as long as the codeine can control the pain, and that he is eating and drinking enough, he should be able to come home today. I am keeping my fingers crossed!!

Status on Sammy

In the pre-op area

So, it's been a really long 24 hours. REALLY long.

I only have a few minutes to post before I have to get back to the hospital, but I wanted to give an update.

It didn't start out too well with Sammy refusing to take the oral medication that they give before they take the kids to the OR. He's taken it twice before with no problem, but absolutely refused this time. After trying and failing with three doses and lots of crying, kicking and spitting it out. Samuel had to put on a protective suit and cap and go with Sammy to the OR to help them administer a face mask of gas to knock him out. I wanted to take a picture of Sam in the "bunny suit", but didn't think Samuel would be very happy about it.

The operation itself went well and there were no complications. They gave Sammy a spinal block for the pain that was supposed to block the pain for 18 hours, as well as, a general anesthetic. He did really well in the recovery room and when they took him up to his room for the night. I felt like he was okay to leave with Samuel while I went home to feed Helene and say goodnight to Hannah.

Unfortunately, about an hour later, Samuel called and needed to me to come back ASAP as Sammy was in excruciating pain and was writhing in pain, screaming and basically losing control. It was totally surprising as we thought the block wouldn't wear off until sometime around 2am. By the time I was able to get back, it had taken morphine, valium and another pain medication that I can't remember the name of, to calm him down.

And it's been that miserable since then.

He is getting the morphine every 2 hours and that is barely containing the pain. I ended up spending the night (it was orginially planned for Samuel to spend the night) since Sammy wanted only Mommy at this point. He slept about 10 minutes of every hour last night and we both finally fell asleep around 4am this morning. We were not happy to be woken up at 6:30am by the street cleaning type machine that they use to wash the floors. It was so freaking loud and totally unacceptable to have them using at 6:30 in the morning on a post-surgery floor where there were kids who were up all night moaning or screaming in pain--and not just Sammy. I was so mad--I am definitely writing a letter about how unnecessary that is.

We are trying to get him off the morphine and switch to Tylenol with codeine so he can come home, but he is still refusing to take any oral medications, so we are staying another night. There is no way I'm taking him off morphine and bringing him home with just codeine...that he may or may not take.

Anyway, I am home for an hour to eat, put Hannah to bed, and nurse Helene, but I also wanted to give a quick update because I know people are wondering how we are doing. We are exhausted--physically, mentally, emotionally, but thanks to wonderful friends and family we are hanging in there.

My mom and dad got here Sunday night to help out and stay here with Hannah and Helene. It's so great to have family nearby.

This is just the basics of what is going on---I could SERIOUSLY write a novel about all the drama with nurses, Sammy, Sammy's roomate, etc., but I've GOT to go!! Hope we get some sleep tonight.

Thanks for all the prayers on our behalf--we sure do need them!

About an hour after surgery, before the pain meltdown

10 things I love about today...

1. Sleeping in until 10am--thanks to my babysitter, NOGGIN.
2. An early lunch at In-N-Out with Dana and some diet coke.
3. Finally getting some computer time in for the day and reading this sweet post.
4. Scoring on diapers for Hannah at Target that were randomly on clearance (30% off!)--PLUS I had $1.50 off coupons to use as well!
5. Finding a totally cute shirt at Target for $9.99. I may be a devout Nordstrom shopper (at least in my pre-children-and-working-full-time days), but seriously you can find some cute stuff at Target for a bargain.
6. Trying on my favorite white summer skirt and having it fit! YAY! The return to pre-pregnancy weight is s.l.o.w.l.y. coming along. (SLOWLY is the operative word there...)
7. Getting Hannah in bed and asleep before 6pm! Ahhh, some much needed peace and quiet.
8. Discovering a new favorite website.
9. Will Ferrell on SNL tonight. I hope it's as funny as I am anticipating it to be.
10. Telling Sammy about his surgery and having him take it pretty well. He seemed to have an understanding of what was going to happen on Monday. While I'm sure he doesn't understand the severity of it, but at least he knows now that he will be spending the night at the hospital, his legs will be in casts leaving him unable to walk, and that he will have a wheelchair to help him get around.

I could also do a "10 reasons why today was lame." Such as--I still have a headache (day 10) and my sink is filled to the brim with dishes since my dishwasher is still not fixed (I'm getting a new one on Monday), but I'm trying to stop complaining all the time. Trying.

No Trader Joe's Tuesday today...but my husband rocks!

I've had a migraine since Thursday and some type of muscle spasm in my neck since Sunday. You know, the kind where you can't move your head and have to turn your entire body when you want to look to the side. Yeah that along with the headache. Tylenol doesn't help and neither does vicodin. Not good.

But I just have to post how awesomely great my husband is. He has been working double shifts since Friday and has had about 3.5 hours of sleep a day. I know he just wanted to come home and sleep after work, but instead he took the kids to the park for a bit and then to El Pollo Loco for dinner so I could rest. Then he did all the dishes (which was quite a lot since our dishwasher broke on Friday and they have to order a part for it) as well as cleaned the kitchen tonight.

And just as he was about to rest on the couch to watch basketball after his 90 minute cleaning spree, he got called to go into work at midnight. Poor guy. So he is off to take a quick 90 minute nap before heading off to work again. I don't know how he can function on less than 4 hours of sleep a day, but I am so blessed to have husband who works so hard so I can stay home with the kids.

Thanks for all that you do for our family!

Helene at 12 weeks

Can you believe she is 12 weeks today?!

So, we went to the doctor on Thursday and the stats are in. Helene is exactly 12 pounds and 23 inches. She is getting much better at holding her head steady and loves to talk and gurgle. It's so adorable when she does that! Totally makes my heart melt.


While she mastered the tummy-to-back roll at 6 weeks, she is still trying to figure out the back-to-tummy roll. She tries to do it in her co-sleeper, but just manages to get stuck sideways and gets pretty vocal about it.

She is such a great sleeper and really an all around good baby. I am so lucky that she is as low-maintenance as she is. I mean she has her moments (we all do, right?), but she really just eats/sleeps lots/coos and smiles all day.

We did find out that she has a hemangioma on the back of her neck. Fortunately, it is quite small and since it's on the back of her neck, her hair will most likely cover it. We've been told it will most likely go away on it's own by the time she is 3 or 4 years old. It is apparently very sensitive to the touch and is painful if pressed on too hard-which explains why sometimes she would cry when I picked her up and cradled her head a particular way or rested my hand along the back of her neck. I couldn't figure out why she would burst into tears...poor thing.

I am so lucky that she is such a snuggly baby!

On a side note, we moved Sammy's bed into our room to give us more room at night and to get him used to sleeping in his own bed since there is NO WAY he can stay in our bed after his surgery. It's actually working out well, although the first night I woke up to him next to me and Hannah in his bed...but hey, whatever gives me more room at night works for me. I haven't slept this well in a long time.

Thanks again to Dana for being such a great photographer!

Trader Joe's Tuesday: Cooking with All Things Trader Joe's Cookbook

I'll be the first to admit that I am feeling a little lazy tonight and don't feel like blogging...so thanks to my friend Nicole for sending me this link.

Just in time for today's Trader Joe's Tuesday!

I am intrigued, but not enough fork over that much $$ to buy it. Maybe I'll find it on Ebay soon.