Failures in motherhood

Warning: long whiny post with little-to-no pictures. In all truthfulness there are so many other thoughts and emotions I want to add to this, but no need to make this a full on therapy session...

It took a day like today to make me realize that I really can't do it all. I don't know why I even attempted to take everyone out considering the past three nights have been full of Sammy tantrums that start around 11pm and last until 1 or 2 am, and Hannah waking up at least three times each night. (Notice there is no mention of Helene waking up? She is such a dream baby!) Plus, I hate to keep complaining about this but since this entire post is full of my whining: I STILL have a headache. Yep, over three weeks...same headache. (The meds the doctor gave me do nothing.) Its the most severe at night and first thing in the morning, but all day, every day, it's there in the exact same spot, mocking me. But I digress.

Every year our church has a fair with bounce houses, a train ride, pony rides, giant inflatable slides, dunk tank and a petting zoo, plus food and other treats...and it's all free. We always have a really fun time, so even though Sammy wouldn't be able do much, I wanted to give Hannah a chance to play since we've been home so much lately, and I wanted to hang out and chat with friends.

Samuel had to work, but was planning to leave around noon. I got there right at noon when it started so I could be sure to get some close parking and let Hannah jump in the bounce house before it got too crowded with big kids.

My plan was to have Sammy in the wheelchair, Helene in the Moby Wrap and Hannah walking with us. It started out okay, although I seriously have got to figure out how to raise the handles on the wheelchair because I have to bend way over to push which is not easy with Helene in the front of me. (Thanks to April for helping me with the wheelchair when we first arrived!)

Anyway, we got there and I could tell right away that Sammy was totally bummed. He told me over and over that he wanted to go down the big slide. I know, I am a mean mom even taking him there when he couldn't do much of anything, but I really thought he would be okay with riding the train and seeing the petting zoo and maybe a pony ride--not to mention all the churros he could eat.

Hannah immediately ran off to the bounce house, which was fine with me since I was trying to cheer up Sammy. He wanted nothing to do with the train or pony rides, but did show some interest in the petting zoo. Hannah came running back saying she needed me to go with her to jump, so I told her we would visit the petting zoo first and off we went.

It was quite a site, me pushing the wheelchair (not easy on the grass by the way) with Helene and Hannah in tow. I got a brief moment of smiles from both kids while feeding the goats and sheep and little pig, and Sammy got to touch one of the chickens too.

He was content to hang out there, so I quickly took Hannah over to the pony rides while there wasn't a line. She was so excited...until she actually got on the pony and then cried and screamed the entire way around.

Excited at first

Not too sure...

Full on screaming and crying.
I love how that lady isn't even fazed by it.

I decided to head over to the churros as a much needed distraction, so off we went back across the grass to the food area. Again, not an easy feat, I kept wondering what I was doing there and why I was trying to make everyone have a good time.

Unfortunately, no churros this time, just snow cones and popcorn. Apparently, my kids only like kettle korn and microwave popcorn and wouldn't touch the kind that was being served. And while the kids thought the snow cones were fun, they each took a bite or two and then I got stuck holding them. I should have just thrown them out then, but I didn't want to do that in front of the people who had literally just given them to us, so I carried Sammy's (he said it was too cold to carry) and Hannah carried hers. They wanted to go back to the petting zoo again.

So now I am pushing the wheelchair plus a cherry snow cone and Helene back over the grass avoiding pony poop as we go--I seriously needed two more hands. Hannah wanted to try the bounce house again and Sammy agreed to go with us and watch her jump. She lasted about 2 minutes and then wanted out. So out she came, but instead of putting on her shoes like I asked, she started in on her new thing since Helene arrived: "I can't." She refuses to put on her shoes when I ask...she'll sit down and tell me "I can't" and needs help. Nevermind the fact that she's been doing it by herself for over a year now. sigh.

So I squat down to help her...keep in mind that I am now holding TWO snowcones and have Helene strapped to the front of me. We got Hannah's shoes on and just as I am trying to balance myself to stand back up...I dump the ENTIRE cherry snowcone on Helene. Here is my proof of what a mellow child she is: she didn't scream or cry, she just opened her eyes really wide while I quickly pulled her out of the wrap and try to towel her off with it.

That was literally the last straw for me. I was done. I had tried so hard to make sure Hannah wasn't left out of the fun and that Sammy could still have fun despite his circumstances--and I had failed miserably, with poor Helene cold, wet and sticky in the process.

Now I was trying to push Sammy in the wheelchair across the grass with Helene now in my arms and Hannah beside me. I just wanted to get out of there so I could have my breakdown in car and not right there on the grass. I was so done. Of course, just as I got to the van, I see Sam driving up. I wasn't mad at him--it's not his fault he had to work. I was just mad at myself for thinking I could do this for even an hour all by myself.

Sam helped me get the kids in the car (Hannah was crying and screaming the entire time) and after lots of threats to sit down and get buckled, I finally headed home. I gave poor Helene a bath and soaked her brand new shirt in some Biz. The kids were still hyped up and yelling about who-knows-what and I just had to get out of there. I went to Corner Bakery and got a sandwich, but knew I had to bring it back home because Sam needed a nap after our sleepless night with the kids since he is working the night shift tonight.

After the exhausting two weeks we've had, today was literally my breaking point. If I could have just dumped everyone and everything and ran away to Burke Williams, I would have. I just wanted to escape. But I guess that's the thing about being a mom, you've got to be the strong one and suck it up and carry on because that's just what we do.